Water Hazard

A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."
The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

Old Golf Ball

I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old ball."

5 Iron

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

7 Iron

Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered, "I used your 7-iron."

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I hope you enjoy my golf playing tips. This is my top 10 list of sorts; it contains helpful insights into the game of golf and the psyche it requires. Remember to read this with a grain of salt (around the rim preferably).

1) This is a game, only a game, it is not war and your neighbor is not the enemy. This should go without saying but feuds have begun and never ended over the exciting sport of golf. You should especially keep this in mind when playing your boss, there is no shame in letting your boss win.

2) The only person you should ever really play against is yourself. It sounds silly, but keep your old score cards; take note of improvements and declines (while everyone has a bad day a consistent decline could indicate a problem with your game). If you play only against yourself there really can't be any hard feelings when the game is over.

3) The looser always buys the beer. This works well if you are playing against yourself as I recommended. That way you are only buying beer for one. It makes for a much cheaper date.

4) If all seems lost and you have no club that will get the job done, a good nice kick could be in order (enough said).

5) Save the beer for the clubhouse and not the course. Hot beer tastes bad and you should never, ever drink and drive. You also never want to drive backwards on a golf course (see number 7).

6) The ducks on the driving range are not for target practice. Besides if you start aiming for them, the other birds might start aiming for you.

7) Let faster players go on ahead of you, especially in the beginning, besides it's always better to be behind in golf, most people don't shoot backwards if you know what I mean.

8) If you are having a bad round of golf, start playing silly shots. You just might find your game improves when you stop being too serious. Seriously.

9) Be considerate of those around you. Wear a belt and tuck in your shirt please. No one wants to see a full moon in the middle of the afternoon, especially one that is reflected by the sun.

10) Unless you want to be the take and bake of the day, be sure you pack your sunscreen. Lobster is great on the menu, not on the golf course. Besides we deal with enough pain on the course without adding to it.

I hope you realize that my top 10 list is somewhat tongue in cheek. There are however some pearls of wisdom in there, particularly about the ducks. My overall point is that golf, while challenging is supposed to be recreational. In other words, you're supposed to have fun. I hope my little list reminds you of that very fact and you think of this the next time you are getting ready for a game of golf (particularly as you dress, see number 9).

By: Edward Charkow
Edward Charkow is the administrator for Improving Golf. For more information please visit: http://www.improving-golf.com.

Featured by the Golf Directory in the lifestyle section at Resources For Attorneys, a legal and lifestyle resources directory.

15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.

14 - Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.

13 - It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

12 - When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

11 - If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

9 - When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

7 - You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

6 - There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

5 - If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

4 - Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

3 - Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

1 - Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

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